i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
