I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
