is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
