maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
