Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
