don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
