Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
