I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
