That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
