I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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