I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
this hospital has no fireball
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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