i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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