the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
