Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
