you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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