bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
