Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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