There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
