You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
