Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
