Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
