i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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