Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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