hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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