Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
