so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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