A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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