bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
