I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
