i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
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had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
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He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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