my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
