im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
