She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
