Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
