yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
