9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
