Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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