This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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