In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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