Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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