dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
