dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
