HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
