Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
