You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
