If i come over, it means nothing
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
