Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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