im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
