Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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