I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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