Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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